Newsletter 06/11/2014

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

TODAY Thursday 6th September – Quiz, hosted by Phil Moss. Lucky 7 Jackpot has been reset to stand at £20 as Sue Powis won it (£140) last time!

Saturday 29 Nov. Jennie Brookes.
Christmas Draw – Saturday 13th December. 1st Prize £100 cash, 2nd Prize Christmas Hamper and then at least 50 bottles, mostly spirits.

New Year’s Eve – Wednesday 31st December. Why not see the New Year In at the Club to the sound of the Cathedral bells?  There will be a singer, Ted’s famous Quiz of the Year, a buffet and, most of all, good company. If you think       you’ll able to come along and join in, please reply to this email with your name and the number of additional guests; Ted Milnes + 1 indicates a total of two people for example. This way we’ll get a general idea of numbers to cater for. There will also be a list on the notice board.

Watch out for your Club letter available in about a week’s time in the Club for your collection.

REGULAR NOTICES:

  1. Please save your 10p pieces to add to the charity fundraising pile on the bar.
  2. Members may use the club for their family events, birthdays, retirement parties, etc, for no charge. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES: “Bombardier” (abv 4.1) sponsored by George Berzins, Black Cat Reserve (abv 4.6) sponsored by Mark Popham, and Bass sponsored by Les Balchin.  If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offering:

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER; These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts,” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget.
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you for real?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:     None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Kind regards

Ted

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