Newsletter 14/01/2016

We’re saddened to hear of the passing of A.P.D (Tony) Cole who joined in 1994. Our thoughts are with his family at this difficult time.

  • The Bridge Group is now meeting on Wednesdays. If you would like to participate please reply to me and I’ll put you in touch.
  • The Newsletter “Member to Member area” is situated after Social Events. Announcements welcome.
  • “And now for something completely different!” See February 13th below.

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30   

Friday 29th January – “Special Riders” Chicago Blues Band. Why not combine with the Club’s Fish’nChips beforehand ?

Thursday 4th February – QUIZ

Saturday 13th February – A James Bond themed Casino Evening from 8.00 pm onwards. Choose your own dress code from your favourite Bond character, Spectre villain,  Black tie/ Evening dress, Lounge suit or smart casual. Just give your support to this new venture. Usual Raffle and Buffet. All members and guests welcome.

Saturday 27th February – Elya – terrific vocalist.

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.

Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin  01522 382 382

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold

Gents Claude Butler bicycle 24 gears – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

Bookcase 7 feet long made from sapele wood – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

To advertise please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 REGULAR NOTICES:

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.
  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Bass (4.4) sponsored by CHC. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Reindeer………….polite weather forecast.

Reincarnation…….born again as a tin of condensed milk.

  • The children were lined up in the dining hall of a Catholic primary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun placed a notice next to them; “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving along the lunch queue, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child said to his friends: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples!”

 

  • The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Tim Nice-but-Dim, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What’s happened Tim?” she asks anxiously.
    “What’s happened? I’ll tell you what’s happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found. Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with another man in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
    “Ah now, calm down, calm down Tim!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go and speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    “Tim, there I told you there must be a simple explanation…………… She never got your email!”

Kind regards

Ted

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Newsletter 10/12/2015

We are saddened by the news that two members have passed away; J.P. Taylor (member for 13 years) and J.A. Andrew who joined in 1992. Ours thoughts are with their families.

  • On the night of the Christmas Draw, a week on Saturday, swaps will be allowed for those present. Please submit your names as many times as you like @ £5 a time and remember you name, or multiples of it, will remain in the hat for the entire draw, permitting several wins!
  • We are indebted to Brian and Robert Tuach, Glen Ford, Mark Popham and Keith Dolby for putting in such a tremendous effort into refurbishing the snooker room. It looks absolutely magnificent. The A team has responded with an impressive run of results, no doubt due to the new surroundings: 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1 and 5-0. $ players have reached the 3rd round of the knockout and Rick Morrison holds the highest break in the division so far.
  • Thank you very much to all those who have renewed already for 2016 and for the

entries into the Christmas Draw. The business ads and items for sale will begin in January; please get those in in time. If you need a reminder of what’s involved just reply to this email.

  • You won’t want to be hearing about our brilliant private tour in India recently but if anyone is interested in having a driver for the duration, as we did, we can thoroughly recommend it and have further details available on request.

 

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30  

TONIGHT Thursday 10th December – Quiz. Mushy Peas will be available alongside a Christmas buffet and extra raffle prizes.

Saturday 19th December – JAMES HARVEY; young singer/guitarist making a return visit – highly recommended by members. Christmas Draw.

New Year’s EveThursday 31st December – Ted’s famous “Quiz of the Year” – Steve Hawes returns as “Neil Diamond” – special buffet – Why not see the New Year in at the Club to the sound of the Cathedral bells?

Saturday 13th February – Casino Night – details later.

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

 

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.
  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   “Hobgoblin“ (abv 4.5) and “Bass” (4.4) both sponsored by CHC. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Onomatopoeia………the first sign of a weak bladder.

Otter……………….…nice weather in Yorkshire.

 

Quotes of the week:

~ Harrison Ford   Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself

~ Jean Rostand   Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror

This week’s offering:

A new vicar was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out his business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it through the letter box.
When the offerings were processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned and added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”
He broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins – ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.. .’
Genesis 3:10 reads, – ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked’

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 05/11/2015

  • The Snooker room out of use for redecoration Tuesday 10th from noon to

Friday 13th at 5.30 for redecoration.

  • Scaffolding will be going up from this Friday for essential stable roof maintenance.

The club car parking space will be unavailable while the work is carried out.

 

  • YOUR CLUB LETTER IS NOW READY FOR COLLECTION. PLEASE TAKE YOURS AND ALSO PASS OTHERS ON IF YOU CAN TO SAVE POSTAGE. Those remaining uncollected will be posted in mid-November.
·          RED ARROWS Steve Forrest who is one of the ground crew (the ones in blue overalls) will give an illustrated talk on Saturday 14th November starting about 8.30. Please sign up on the list on the notice board so we can get an idea of numbers.

 

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

TODAY Thursday 5th November – Quiz. Lucky 7 Jackpot £110. Mushy peas.

Saturday 14th November – Red Arrows illustrated talk (see above).

Friday 27th November – “Helen and the Moonlighters” – Fish’nChips available. Saturday 19th December – James Harvey – Christmas Draw.

New Year’s EveThursday 31st December – Ted’s famous “Quiz of the Year” – “Neil Diamond” – special buffet – Why not see the New Year in at the Club to the sound of the Cathedral bells?

Saturday 13th February – Casino Night – details later.

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

 

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.
  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence

GUEST ALES:   Courage “Directors” (4.8) sponsored by Ted Milnes, and “Snecklifter” (5.1) sponsored by George Berzins. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Loiter……….device used by smokers in the West Country.

Lovelorn……to be very, very fond of grass

 

Quotes of the week:   David Letterman America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wresting is real but that the moon landing was faked.                                                                 Old Italian proverb After the game, both the King and the pawn go into the same box.

This week’s offering:

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried forwards, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot! Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment I spit on your ties. I need water!”
“Sorry, I have none, just ties – pure silk, and only $5”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me ‘infidel.’ I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in Peace”
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back again, almost dead, and gasped,
“They won’t let me in without a tie!”

Excruciating one-liner:

Rumour has it that terrorists are increasingly using exploding insects to further their aims. In particular the public should watch out for jihadilonglegs !

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 22/10/2015

YOUR CLUB LETTER IS NOW READY FOR COLLECTION. PLEASE ALSO PASS ON TO OTHERS IF YOU CAN TO SAVE POSTAGE. Those remaining uncollected will be posted in mid-November.

  • Fish’nChips will be served on the next Music Night – see below – for those who wish to eat first before the music starts. No other food will be available that night.
  • BRIDGE – a group of beginners is now set up. Chris Fowler will give a course of lessons to the beginners on Mondays from 1.00 to 3.00 starting on Monday 16th October. If you are interested there is still time; simply reply to this Newsletter and I’ll pass on your details.
  • The Snooker season has got off to a good start. A new carpet is planned for the snooker room as well as redecoration.
·        RED ARROWS Steve forrest who is one of the ground crew (the ones in blue overalls) will give an illustrated talk on Saturday 14th November starting about 8.30. Please sign up on the list on the notice board so we can get an idea of numbers.

 

  • CHRISTMAS DAY: Christmas Lunch fully booked.

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

Friday 30th October – Music Night with Dave Nash – Fish’nChips available.

Thursday 5th November – Quiz. Lucky 7 Jackpot £110.

Saturday 14th November – RED ARROWS ILLUSTRATED TALK (see above).

Friday 27th November – “Helen and the Moonlighters” – Fish’nChips available. Saturday 19th December – James Harvey – Christmas Draw.

New Year’s EveThursday 31st December – Ted’s famous “Quiz of the Year” – “Neil Diamond” – special buffet – Why not see the New Year in at the Club to the sound of the Cathedral bells?

Saturday 13th February – Casino Night – details later.

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

 

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.
  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Opening times:Weekdays-12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Marston’s “Pedigree” (abv 4.5) sponsored by CHC and Snecklifter (5.1) sponsored by George Berzins. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Impending……death of an imp.

Impolite….……imp on fire.

Quotes of the week:             Desmond Tutu…..When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.         Howard Hughes…..I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.

This week’s offering:

In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him.
“The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy.  You set yourselves apart too much.  You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.  Look at me… I’m me!  I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.   What do you say to that?”
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, “How very sporting of your mother!”

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 15/10/2015

YOUR CLUB LETTER IS NOW READY FOR COLLECTION. PLEASE ALSO PASS ON TO OTHERS IF YOU CAN TO SAVE POSTAGE. Those remaining uncollected will be posted in mid-November.

  • Fish’nChips will be served on the next Music Night – see below – for those who wish to eat first before the music starts. No other food will be available that night
  • BRIDGE – a group of bridge players is being formed from interested Club members, and their partners. They are mainly beginners and Chris Fowler will give lessons. It looks as though Monday is the most likely day. If you are interested please simply reply to this Newsletter and I’ll pass on your details.
·        RED ARROWS Steve forrest who is one of the ground crew (the ones in blue overalls) will give an illustrated talk on Saturday 14th November starting about 8.30. Please sign up on the list on the notice board so we can get an idea of numbers.

 

  • CHRISTMAS DAY: Gordon and Tracey have kindly agreed to serve Christmas Dinner from 12:00 till 4:00 on Christmas Day. Limited to 25 covers. £35.00 per head. £20.00 non-refundable deposit per person to be made at the time of booking.

18 bookings already!

MESSAGE FROM THE CHEF: When you book please indicate your preferences; no orders to be taken on the day to ensure a smooth service. Thank you.

Menu and List on main notice board.

 

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

Friday 30th October – Music Night with Dave Nash – Fish’nChips available.

Thursday 5th November – Quiz. Lucky 7 Jackpot £110.

Saturday 14th November – RED ARROWS ILLUSTRATED TALK (see above).

Friday 27th November – “Helen and the Moonlighters” – Fish’nChips available. Saturday 19th December – James Harvey – Christmas Draw.

New Year’s Eve – Thursday 31st December – Ted’s famous “Quiz of the Year” – “Neil Diamond” – special buffet – Why not see the New Year in at the Club to the sound of the cathedral bells?

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday

lunchtimes.

  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Opening times:Weekdays-12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00-Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00

Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request.

Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

 

GUEST ALES:   “freak Chic” (abv 4.5) sponsored by CHC and Snecklifter (5.1) sponsored by George Berzins. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Halitosis………smelly comet.

Himalaya….…..transsexual rooster.

 

Quote of the week: John Glenn…As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

 

This is serious. Please BEWARE! IT HAS COST ME A LOT OF MONEY!!
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever ‘Eastern European’ scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco.
You agree and they both get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th.  October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th, twice yesterday, and very likely again this coming weekend.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl’s are £1.75 and look better.

 

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 09/10/2015

 

  • BRIDGE – a member has kindly offered to form a group of bridge players from interested Club members, and their partners, who would like meet up to play on in the Club. Please email me by replying to this Newsletter and I’ll pass on your details.
·        RED ARROWS Steve Forrest who is one of the ground crew (the ones in blue overalls) will give an illustrated talk also do slide show on Saturday 14th November starting about 8.30. Please sign up on the list on the notice board so we can get an idea of numbers.
  • CHRISTMAS DAY: Gordon and Tracey have kindly agreed to serve Christmas Dinner from 12:00 till 4:00 on Christmas Day. Limited to 25 covers. £35.00 per head. £20.00 non-refundable deposit per person to be made at the time of booking.

18 bookings already!

MESSAGE FROM THE CHEF: When you book please indicate your preferences; no orders to be taken on the day to ensure a smooth service. Thank you.

Menu and List on main notice board.

 

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

Friday 30th October – Music Night with Dave Nash

Thursday 5th November – Quiz. Lucky & Jackpot £110

Saturday 14th November – RED ARROWS ILLUSTRATED TALK (see above).

Saturday 28th November – Music Night TBA

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday

lunchtimes.

  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

 

GUEST ALES:   Bass (abv 4.1) sponsored by Les balchin. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

 

Giggle…………..A very small musical event.

Gyroscope……..A device for locating dole money.

 

This week’s offering:

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The biker pulled over and said, “Thank you, Lord. Please build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”
The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help the whole of mankind.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord replied, “Do you want two lanes, or four lanes on that bridge?”

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 24/09/2015

  • The funeral service for Vivian Fulton, wife of the late Sandy, will be held at St. Faith’s Church on Tuesday 29th September 2015 at 11:30am followed by Committal at Lincoln Crematorium. Afterwards there will be a gathering at the Club.
  • Full details of the proposed members’ ads and items for sale, first mentioned in last week’s Newsletter, will be sent out in the Club’s mailing to all members in October.
  • There will a speaker to give us an illustrated talk on the Red Arrows in November. More details later.
  • CHRISTMAS DAY: Gordon and Tracey have kindly agreed to serve Christmas Dinner from 12:00 till 4:00 on Christmas Day. Limited to 25 covers. £35.00 per head. £20.00 non-refundable deposit per person to be made at the time of booking. Several bookings already!

MESSAGE FROM THE CHEF: When you book please indicate your preferences; no orders to be taken on the day to ensure a smooth service. Thank you.

Menu and List on main notice board.

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

Thursday 1st October – Quiz hosted by Sarah Bagnall.

Saturday 3rd October – Music Night with “The Diplomatz.”

Friday 30th October – Music Night with Dave Nash

Saturday 14th November – RED ARROWS ILLUSTRATED TALK.

Saturday 28th November – Music Night TBA

 REGULAR NOTICES:

  1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday

lunchtimes.

  1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
  2. Please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

 

GUEST ALES:   Bass (abv 4.1) sponsored by Les balchin and “Funfair” (5.2) sponsored by Steve Hughes. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Ejaculate….(Yorkshire) Greeting to husband on delayed return from t’mill.

Endorse……last in the Grand National.

A man goes into the doctor’s feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, but I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There’s no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too, getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, ‘Son, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!’

‘Lucky?’ he screamed. ‘Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24.’

‘Bugger me,’ says the bingo caller. ‘You’ve won the raffle as well !!’

 

Kind regards

Ted