Newsletter 22/09/2016

We are delighted to announce that Tracy and Gordon are back as our caterers and will be providing their first Sunday lunch on 2^nd October. They will also be resuming catering on Wednesday evenings.

The menus are on http://www.castlehillclub.com now.

Bookings, by noon on Saturday (for Sunday), and by noon on Tuesday (for Wednesday), may be made as follows:

1. Phone Tracy and Gordon anytime on 702144 or Castle Hill Club on 525791 during opening hours.
2. Email tracy174@hotmail.co.uk
3. Book in person over the bar.

Anyone arriving on spec will be accommodated if at all possible but may have to wait for a table, and the full menu will not necessarily still apply.

Special Offer: Those of you wishing to partake of wine with your meal may wish to choose a bottle of House Wine (red, white, or rosé) at only £7.50 a bottle.

From next week booking info will be permanently displayed under “regular notices” below.

WHAT’S ON: Dates for your Diary: Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30     

THIS Saturday 24^th September – Music Night – James Harvey, an easy-listening former busker.

Thursday 6^th October – Quiz, hosted by Rob Vashak – Buffet.

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

• Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.
• Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin 01522 382 382
• Stairlifts, Lifts & Ramps -free survey unbeatable service. Contact Lee Ogden on 01427 787532.

Members’ Items for Sale: no fee  

To advertise here please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:  

1. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
2. Opening times: Weekdays: 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00.

Saturdays and Sundays : 12.00 to 23.00.  Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00.

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions.

3. Please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events.
4. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.
5. Heavily Discounted Evening Car Parking tickets are available to members for use in the adjacent council car park. Please collect one from the bar before you park.

 

GUEST ALES    ‘Black Gold’ (abv 3.8) sponsored by Jack Munro, and ‘Atom Blonde’ (4.0) sponsored by Ray and Graham.  If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Malcontent……………someone who is perfectly at ease with Malcolm.

Mange tout.……..……seconds please.

 

 

• Brian and four friends are heading along the French Riviera in their Audi Quattro convertible on their way to Italy.

At the border they are waved down by an Italian border official who says, “Very sorry. But you cannot enter Italy in this car. There are five of you on board. The car is an Audi Quattro and Quattro is four which means one of you has to get out.”

“What?” exclaimed Brian. “Quattro stands for 4 wheel drive!”

“Sorry but rules are rules. I cannot let you all into Italy.”

Brian is understandably very annoyed and says

“I’ll have to speak to your superior. This is totally unacceptable.”

“I’ll ask him to come over to talk to you when he’s finished with that couple over there, in their Fiat Uno.”

 

• My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 16/06/2016

Work is underway to carry out essential repairs to the club’s windows and sills. Decorating will follow. It’s business as usual but with apologies for any inconvenience.

 

WHAT’S ON: Dates for your Diary: Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

Dining bookings see below, under the “Regular Notices” section.   

Saturday 25^th June – Forward Line – BBQ

Thursday 7^th July – Quiz – Buffet

Member to member area:

 

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

• Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.
• Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin 01522 382 382
• Stairlifts, Lifts & Ramps -free survey unbeatable service. Contact Lee Ogden on 01427 787532.

 

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold:

• Sovereign Shoprider 4 mobility scooter. Little used. Battery may need attention as the scooter has been in storage for several years although kept fully charged.

£250 ONO. Tel: 01522 888671 or 97815674262

 

To advertise here please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:  

 

1. Please make all your Dining bookings for Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays directly with Gordon and Tracy on 702144, or tracy174@hotmail.co.uk (you may continue to book over the bar or on 525791 but direct contact with Gordon and Tracy is preferred.)

Sunday menu: Starter – soup of the day or pate £3. Main course – pork or beef with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and seasonal vegetables £6. Dessert course – please ask as this changes per season winter or summer £3.

Wednesday & Friday menu: Starter – farmhouse pâté or soup £3. Main course – Fish and Chips, Scampi, Homemade pie chips and peas, Gammon steak chips and peas £6. Rib eye or sirloin steak, chips, peas £8 (please pre-order steak and fish the day before). Castle Hill Club Mixed Grill 4oz Ribeye, 4oz Gammon, 2 sausages, 2 eggs, black pudding, served with chips, mushrooms and tomatoes £9.50. Specials are available please ask on the night.                        

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

4. Discounted Evening Car Parking tickets are available to members for use in the adjacent council car park. Please collect one from the bar before you park.

 

GUEST ALES   “Little Willie” (abv 4.5) sponsored by Mike Clay and “London Pride” (4.1) sponsored by Paul Watson.  If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

 

Claimant………..….an ant who’s had an accident at work.

Cocker spaniel…….at your peril.

 

The only cow in a small village in Tuscany stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Sicily for only 100 euros.

Because the cow is such a wonderful milker, they buy a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like her.

However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward. If he approaches from the side she quickly moves away.

The villagers are upset and decide to talk to the village sage.

They tell him what’s happening: “Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward and if he approaches from the side she quickly moves to the side.”

The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, “You didn’t buy this cow from Sicily by any chance did you?”

The people are dumbfounded. “Yes,” they say. “How on earth did you know that?”

The sage replies, with a heavy heart, “My wife is from Sicily.”

 

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 21/04/2016

  Castle Hill Club (tel 525791)                     Newsletter                             21/04/16

Dining bookings see changes below, under the “Regular Notices” section.

1. The Annual General Meeting of the members will be on Tuesday 3^rd May starting at 8.00pm. Please make every effort to attend. The accounts are posted on the notice board. There will be the usual FREE DRINK for those attending the meeting.
2. Discounted Evening Car Parking tickets will soon available to members for use in the adjacent council car park. Please collect one from the bar before you park.
3. There will be a FREE GLASS OF PROSECCO for all the ladies on the Music Night next Friday (see below).

WHAT’S ON: Dates for your Diary: Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

Next Friday 29^th April – vocalist Joni Madelaine.                                  Thursday 5^th May – Quiz, hosted by Rob Vashak. Lucky 7 Jackpot £190.

Member to member area:

 

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

• Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.
• Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin 01522 382 382
• Stairlifts, Lifts & Ramps -free survey unbeatable service. Contact Lee Ogden on 01427 787532.

 

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold:

• Sovereign Shoprider 4 mobility scooter. Little used. Battery may need attention as the scooter has been in storage for several years although kept fully charged.

£250 ONO. Tel: 01522 888671 or 97815674262

 

To advertise here please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

1. Please make all your Dining bookings for Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays directly with Gordon and Tracy on 702144, or tracy174@hotmail.co.uk (you may continue to book over the bar or on 525791 but direct contact with Gordon and Tracy is preferred.)

Sunday menu: Starter – soup of the day or pate £3. Main course – pork or beef with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and seasonal vegetables £6. Dessert course – please ask as this changes per season winter or summer £3.

Wednesday & Friday menu: Starter – farmhouse pâté or soup £3. Main course – Fish and Chips (Friday only), scampi, homemade pie chips and peas, gammon steak chips and peas £6. Rib eye or sirloin steak, chips, peas £8 (please pre-order steak and fish the day before). Castle Hill Club Mixed Grill 4oz Ribeye, 4oz Gammon, 2 sausages, 2 eggs, black pudding, served with chips, mushrooms and tomatoes £9.50. Specials are available please ask on the night.                        

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES  “Black Bishop” (4.1) sponsored by Peter McNeill.  If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

 

WC2……….downstairs cloakroom.

Winnebago…….a horse with a bad back.

 

 

It’s St George’s Day and a hooded armed robber bursts into Lloyds Bank on the Bail and forces the cashier to stuff a shed-load of cash into his sack. As the robber goes to leave, one very brave customer grabs the robber’s hood and pulls it down, revealing his face.

Without hesitation the robber shoots the man stone dead. He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. The cashier is looking straight at him and so he walks over and calmly shoots her dead too.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

“Did anyone else see my face?” screams the robber.

After a few moments of silence and extreme tension all round, one elderly gentleman from Castle Hill Club, looking down at the floor, tentatively raises his hand and says, “I think my wife, standing here right next to me, may have caught a glimpse.”

 

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 31/03/2016

Dining bookings for Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays may be made directly with Gordon and Tracy on 702144, or tracy174@hotmail.co.uk  If you prefer you may continue to book over the bar or on 525791. This message will appear permanently under the “Regular Notices” section below.

 

• Last Sunday both lamb and chicken were available as well as pork and beef. I had the lamb; delicious! It’s worth asking when booking if these are available.
• Next week there will be no Newsletter as the writer will be floating down the Danube. No, not literally, on board a river cruiser!
• The Annual General Meeting of the members will be on Tuesday 3^rd May starting at 8.00pm. Please make every effort to attend. The relevant notices and proposal forms are posted on the notice board. The accounts will appear after the April Committee Meeting once they have been approved.

WHAT’S ON: Dates for your Diary: Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

 Next Thursday 7^th April – Quiz – Lucky 7 Jackpot now £170

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.

Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin  01522 382 382

Stairlifts, Lifts & Ramps -free survey unbeatable service. Contact Lee Ogden on 01427 787532.

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold:

Sovereign Shoprider 4 mobility scooter. Little used. Battery may need attention as the scooter has been in storage for several years although kept fully charged.

£250 ONO. Tel: 01522 888671 or 97815674262

To advertise here please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 REGULAR NOTICES:

• 1. Dining bookings for Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays may be made directly with Gordon and Tracy on 702144, or tracy174@hotmail.co.uk If you prefer you may continue to book over the bar or on 525791.

Sunday menu: Starter – soup of the day or pate £3. Main course – pork or beef with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and seasonal vegetables £6. Dessert course – please ask as this changes per season winter or summer £3.

Wednesday & Friday menu: Starter – farmhouse pâté or soup £3. Main course – Fish and Chips (Friday only), scampi, homemade pie chips and peas, gammon steak chips and peas £6. Rib eye or sirloin steak, chips, peas £8 (please pre-order steak and fish the day before). Castle Hill Club Mixed Grill 4oz Ribeye, 4oz Gammon, 2 sausages, 2 eggs, black pudding, served with chips, mushrooms and tomatoes £9.50. Specials are available please ask on the night.                        

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Adnams “Jester” (abv 4.8) sponsored by Daniel Hutchinson, “Hobgoblin” (4.5) sponsored CHC, and Adnams “Broadside” (4.7) by sponsored by Mike Clay. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Walrus…….last exclamation of Russell’s driving instructor.

Walnut…….an obsessive bricklayer.

• I just took a leaflet came through the door, informing me that I can have sex at 79.

I’m so happy, because I live at number 71. So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it’s the same side of the street so I don’t even have to cross the road!

 

• Answer machine message:

“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes”

 

• Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him  ………

a-super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis.  (Oh dear!  ed)

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 11/02/2016

New addition to the menus on Wednesdays and Fridays:

Castle Hill Club Mixed Grill – 4oz Ribeye, 4oz Gammon, 2 sausages, 2 eggs, black pudding, served with chips, mushrooms and tomatoes £9.50. See Menus section below in ‘REGULAR NOTICES.

• Casino Night this Saturday – why not come along and join in the fun ? There will be the usual games and the PLAYING CHIPS ARE FREE. There will be prizes for the most successful gamblers. More details below in the ‘What’s On’ section.
• We have had a sufficient response over the proposed club silk ties to proceed further. More info when I have it.

WHAT’S ON: Dates for your Diary: Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30     THIS SATURDAY 13^th February – A James Bond themed Casino Evening from 8.00 pm onwards. Choose your own dress code from your favourite Bond character, Spectre villain, Black tie/ Evening dress, Lounge suit or smart casual, or simply come as you are and lend your support to this new venture. Usual Raffle and Buffet. All members and guests welcome. Remember, the playing chips are free!

Saturday 27^th February – Elya – terrific vocalist.

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.

Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin  01522 382 382

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold                                                                                                                                         Gents Claude Butler bicycle 24 gears – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

Bookcase 7 feet long made from sapele wood – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

To advertise please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 REGULAR NOTICES:

1. 1. Sunday menu: Starter – soup of the day or pate £3. Main course – pork or beef with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings and seasonal vegetables £6. Dessert course – please ask as this changes per season winter or summer £3.

Wednesday & Friday menu: Starter – farmhouse pate or soup £3. Main course – Fish and Chips (Friday only), scampi, homemade pie chips and peas, gammon steak chips and peas £6. Rib eye or sirloin steak, chips, peas £8 (please pre-order steak and fish the day before). Castle Hill Club Mixed Grill 4oz Ribeye, 4oz Gammon, 2 sausages, 2 eggs, black pudding, served with chips, mushrooms and tomatoes £9.50 Specials will be available please ask on the night.                        

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Hobgoblin and Bass (both abv 4.5) sponsored by CHC, and London Pride (4.1} sponsored by Paul Watson. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Senile…………..…what to do in Egypt.

Serial Killer……….combine harvester

 

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL 

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering “Faaackinell.”

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm, slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning”

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

 

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

• Clothing is most sought after – items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport socks, Rockport boots, and any other items usually sold in Primark.
• Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew, 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms, £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9, £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

“Where are you bleeding from?” they asked. “Romford,” said the girl, “woss that gotta do wiv you?”

(Please don’t forward this to anyone living in Essex.)

 

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 28/01/2016

It has been suggested that members might like to have a club tie. If you’re interested please reply to this message and we’ll investigate further.

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30   

TOMORROW, Friday 29^th January – “Special Riders” Chicago Blues Band. Why not combine with the Club’s Fish’nChips beforehand ?

Thursday 4^th February – QUIZ

Saturday 13^th February – A James Bond themed Casino Evening from 8.00 pm onwards. Choose your own dress code from your favourite Bond character, Spectre villain, Black tie/ Evening dress, Lounge suit or smart casual. Just give your support to this new venture. Usual Raffle and Buffet. All members and guests welcome.

Saturday 27^th February – Elya – terrific vocalist.

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.

Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin  01522 382 382

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold

Gents Claude Butler bicycle 24 gears – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view                                     Bookcase 7 feet long made from sapele wood – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

To advertise please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 REGULAR NOTICES:

1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Thwaites Original (abv 3.6) sponsored by Ben Berzins and Rev. James (4.5) sponsored by CHC. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Sago…..…a very good way to start a race.

Sandy…….that’s convenient.

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Glasgow, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down, except to exit the building!”

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.’Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

Floor 1 – Wives that Love Sex.

Floor 2 – Wives that Love Sex and have Money and like Beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 21/01/2016

We’re saddened to hear of the passing of D. (Ted) Turner who joined in 2008. Our thoughts are with his family at this difficult time.

• The Bridge Group is now meeting on Wednesdays. If you would like to participate please reply to me and I’ll put you in touch.
• The Newsletter “Member to Member area” is situated after Social Events. Announcements welcome. Just drop me an email by replying to this one.

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30   

Friday 29^th January – “Special Riders” Chicago Blues Band. Why not combine with the Club’s Fish’nChips beforehand ?

Thursday 4^th February – QUIZ

Saturday 13^th February – A James Bond themed Casino Evening from 8.00 pm onwards. Choose your own dress code from your favourite Bond character, Spectre villain, Black tie/ Evening dress, Lounge suit or smart casual. Just give your support to this new venture. Usual Raffle and Buffet. All members and guests welcome.

Saturday 27^th February – Elya – terrific vocalist.

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.

Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin  01522 382 382

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold

Gents Claude Butler bicycle 24 gears – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

Bookcase 7 feet long made from sapele wood – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

To advertise please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 REGULAR NOTICES:

1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Bass (4.4) sponsored by CHC. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Quest…………….the Jonathan Ross family coat of arms.

Rev Counter…….a survey of vicars.

I recently signed on with a new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive blood tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age (I am 78).
A little concerned about that comment, I said, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or spirits?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied ‘I’m don’t do drugs, either!’
Then she asked, ‘Do you eat steaks and roast meats?’
‘I said, ‘Not much. Eating too much red meat is unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or cycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said
She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘’No,’ I said
She looked at me and said, ‘Then, why do you even give a damn?’

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mother and I first got together in an online chat room.  Then I set up a date with her via e-mail and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-Up appeared nine months later. It said:

‘You’ve got Male!’

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 14/01/2016

We’re saddened to hear of the passing of A.P.D (Tony) Cole who joined in 1994. Our thoughts are with his family at this difficult time.

• The Bridge Group is now meeting on Wednesdays. If you would like to participate please reply to me and I’ll put you in touch.
• The Newsletter “Member to Member area” is situated after Social Events. Announcements welcome.
• “And now for something completely different!” See February 13^th below.

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30   

Friday 29^th January – “Special Riders” Chicago Blues Band. Why not combine with the Club’s Fish’nChips beforehand ?

Thursday 4^th February – QUIZ

Saturday 13^th February – A James Bond themed Casino Evening from 8.00 pm onwards. Choose your own dress code from your favourite Bond character, Spectre villain,  Black tie/ Evening dress, Lounge suit or smart casual. Just give your support to this new venture. Usual Raffle and Buffet. All members and guests welcome.

Saturday 27^th February – Elya – terrific vocalist.

Member to member area:

Members’ Businesses and Services: fee £50 per annum

Antique clocks, furniture and miscellaneous items for sale. POA. 01522 543167 / 07860 679495.

Estate & Letting Agent Derri Coppin  01522 382 382

Members’ Items for Sale: fee £5 until sold

Gents Claude Butler bicycle 24 gears – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

Bookcase 7 feet long made from sapele wood – offers – buyer collects – 787441 to view

To advertise please email:   edward.milnes@btinternet.com

 REGULAR NOTICES:

1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   Bass (4.4) sponsored by CHC. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

This week’s offerings:

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Reindeer………….polite weather forecast.

Reincarnation…….born again as a tin of condensed milk.

• The children were lined up in the dining hall of a Catholic primary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun placed a notice next to them; “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving along the lunch queue, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child said to his friends: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples!”

 

• The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Tim Nice-but-Dim, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What’s happened Tim?” she asks anxiously.
  “What’s happened? I’ll tell you what’s happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found. Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with another man in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
  “Ah now, calm down, calm down Tim!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go and speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
  Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
  “Tim, there I told you there must be a simple explanation…………… She never got your email!”

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 10/12/2015

We are saddened by the news that two members have passed away; J.P. Taylor (member for 13 years) and J.A. Andrew who joined in 1992. Ours thoughts are with their families.

• On the night of the Christmas Draw, a week on Saturday, swaps will be allowed for those present. Please submit your names as many times as you like @ £5 a time and remember you name, or multiples of it, will remain in the hat for the entire draw, permitting several wins!
• We are indebted to Brian and Robert Tuach, Glen Ford, Mark Popham and Keith Dolby for putting in such a tremendous effort into refurbishing the snooker room. It looks absolutely magnificent. The A team has responded with an impressive run of results, no doubt due to the new surroundings: 4-1, 4-1, 4-1, 4-1 and 5-0. $ players have reached the 3^rd round of the knockout and Rick Morrison holds the highest break in the division so far.
• Thank you very much to all those who have renewed already for 2016 and for the

entries into the Christmas Draw. The business ads and items for sale will begin in January; please get those in in time. If you need a reminder of what’s involved just reply to this email.

• You won’t want to be hearing about our brilliant private tour in India recently but if anyone is interested in having a driver for the duration, as we did, we can thoroughly recommend it and have further details available on request.

 

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30  

TONIGHT Thursday 10^th December – Quiz. Mushy Peas will be available alongside a Christmas buffet and extra raffle prizes.

Saturday 19^th December – JAMES HARVEY; young singer/guitarist making a return visit – highly recommended by members. Christmas Draw.

New Year’s Eve – Thursday 31^st December – Ted’s famous “Quiz of the Year” – Steve Hawes returns as “Neil Diamond” – special buffet – Why not see the New Year in at the Club to the sound of the Cathedral bells?

Saturday 13^th February – Casino Night – details later.

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

 

1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence.

GUEST ALES:   “Hobgoblin“ (abv 4.5) and “Bass” (4.4) both sponsored by CHC. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Onomatopoeia………the first sign of a weak bladder.

Otter……………….…nice weather in Yorkshire.

 

Quotes of the week:

~ Harrison Ford   Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself

~ Jean Rostand   Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror

This week’s offering:

A new vicar was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out his business card and wrote ‘Revelation 3:20’ on the back of it and stuck it through the letter box.
When the offerings were processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned and added to it was this cryptic message, “Genesis 3:10.”
He broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins – ‘Behold, I stand at the door and knock.. .’
Genesis 3:10 reads, – ‘I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked’

Kind regards

Ted

Newsletter 05/11/2015

• The Snooker room out of use for redecoration Tuesday 10th from noon to

Friday 13^th at 5.30 for redecoration.

• Scaffolding will be going up from this Friday for essential stable roof maintenance.

The club car parking space will be unavailable while the work is carried out.

 

• YOUR CLUB LETTER IS NOW READY FOR COLLECTION. PLEASE TAKE YOURS AND ALSO PASS OTHERS ON IF YOU CAN TO SAVE POSTAGE. Those remaining uncollected will be posted in mid-November.

·          RED ARROWS Steve Forrest who is one of the ground crew (the ones in blue overalls) will give an illustrated talk on Saturday 14^th November starting about 8.30. Please sign up on the list on the notice board so we can get an idea of numbers.

 

SOCIAL EVENTS: Dates for your Diary:

Unless stated otherwise, most events begin about 8.30

TODAY Thursday 5^th November – Quiz. Lucky 7 Jackpot £110. Mushy peas.

Saturday 14^th November – Red Arrows illustrated talk (see above).

Friday 27^th November – “Helen and the Moonlighters” – Fish’nChips available. Saturday 19^th December – James Harvey – Christmas Draw.

New Year’s Eve – Thursday 31^st December – Ted’s famous “Quiz of the Year” – “Neil Diamond” – special buffet – Why not see the New Year in at the Club to the sound of the Cathedral bells?

Saturday 13^th February – Casino Night – details later.

 

 REGULAR NOTICES:

 

1. Sunday lunches, Wednesday evening meals, Friday evening Fish’nChips, and Saturday lunchtimes.

2. There are 28-day passes available, located on the shelf below the notice board near the TV. If you know someone who would like one just fill in the details on the pass itself and its stub.
3. Opening times: Weekdays – 12.00 to 15.00 / 17.30 to 23.00

Saturdays and Sundays-12.00 to 23.00 – Christmas Day: 11.00 to 14.00

We may extend to 2.00 a.m. on special occasions and please feel free to use the club for business meetings and interest group meetings as well as the usual family events. Catering available on request. Simply make arrangements with Laurence

GUEST ALES:   Courage “Directors” (4.8) sponsored by Ted Milnes, and “Snecklifter” (5.1) sponsored by George Berzins. If you wish to sponsor an ale of your choice please speak to Laurence.

 

This week’s offerings:

 

From the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Loiter……….device used by smokers in the West Country.

Lovelorn……to be very, very fond of grass

 

Quotes of the week:   David Letterman America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wresting is real but that the moon landing was faked.                                                                 Old Italian proverb After the game, both the King and the pawn go into the same box.

This week’s offering:

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried forwards, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties
The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot! Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment I spit on your ties. I need water!”
“Sorry, I have none, just ties – pure silk, and only $5”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me ‘infidel.’ I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in Peace”
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back again, almost dead, and gasped,
“They won’t let me in without a tie!”

Excruciating one-liner:

Rumour has it that terrorists are increasingly using exploding insects to further their aims. In particular the public should watch out for jihadilonglegs !

Kind regards

Ted